As Im writing this, I’m on the edge of breaking down. I’m so desperate these days. Really. No matter how hard I want to cry and shed my tears, I can’t even. Shits happen every day. But, yeah. that’s life. Life must go on! Lol.
So today I had practicum exam. It was operating system. I studied hard for the exam. I did. I know that not everything happens as the way we want. Although we put our best efforts, but sometimes shits happen anyway. So it happened today. The first thing came through my mind when I looked at the question was “Shit. I’m fcked up. This is not gonna be easy”. Well of course that wasnt my first time of being desperate because I couldn’t do the exam well. It happened several times, I got very bad grades for several times too and I guess that I get used to it as I can laugh at myself after exam, but today was just so bad that I cant stop thinking bout it 😦
I did my best but some random thought came to my mind during the beginning till the end of the exam. I kept thinking if this kind of thing is something that I really wanna do and have deep passion in? Why do I try so hard to learn these things but in the end I get desperate so much? Do I have what it takes to major in CS? I always say this to myself “it’s okay, no pain no gain”. But a friend once said this to me “no, it’s not always like that. It’s not “no pain no gain”, but you are suicidal, Jen”. Dang, that hit me so hard.
I choose CS because I love technology and I still do. It’s just that I do not see myself in a stereotypical “coding job” cause that is not who I am. I am a very outgoing and people person and I don’t see myself being like other typical CS students.
I find myself going to the same bubble tea cafe so often. The employees might remember me, a girl who always orders the same flavor of bubble tea and sits for hours with depressed facial expression, especially during this hectic pre-exam week, struggling with a project and stu(dying). It’s not that I suck and can’t even code at all, but I’m just not as good as other students. I feel small. The worse thing is I force myself (well, except the Applied Database (oracle) course, I like it 🙂 ), it is a struggle instead of something I find fulfilling and enjoying.
In the end, I don’t regret at all for taking this major. I don’t. No matter how bad I am as a CS student, there’s always something to be grateful for. I think there is a common misapprehension among students who chose CS major, and drop out early because they are having a difficult time. I do have a difficult time. So often. But it doesn’t make sense for me to switch major even I find it tough, I’ll go ahead, finish it, and find a direction to follow what puts me in work that I love.