This morning I woke up, checking my phone, and my finger stopped scrolling down. There were messages from my family. Bunch of them. That moment I knew that my grandmother had already passed away. Heavenly Father took her back. I shed my tears with my phone still on my hand. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.
I got flashbacks from things I don’t want to remember. It was 4 years ago. It also happened exactly the same. I woke up in the morning, saw my mother crying so loud. She came to me and told me that my grandma had already passed away. I shed my tears. Speechless.
Bad morning to start my day.
I got messages from my friends saying their sincere condolences. I felt broken. But still, I insisted telling them I am okay. How many times have I typed “I am okay” while crying? Dozens times.. hundreds times.. nope, uncountable. I know I’m such a typical girl who says she is okay when she actually isn’t. Whatever. I was just trying to make myself feel better. But, I was wrong, it made me look so pathetic with denials.
I went to a fruit shop I usually go to. It’s a nice place where I can sit, eat, and drink there. At that time, I was alone at the fruit shop. I let myself silently drawn into complicated feelings. Sad, broken, depressed, lonely. There I replied messages on my phone. Still, I told a friend that I am okay, or at least I will be okay soon. Just few seconds after I replied his message.. Dang! He suddenly appeared right in front of me. Apparently he went to the fruit shop too, I guess (maybe) he was surprised seeing me there, so was I. I confidently sent him messages telling I am okay but exactly in front of me, same table, he was seeing my very insecure face and sorrowful eyes. I kept telling him I am okay and he kept telling me to just admit that I am not. He told me to be strong.
I went back. Tears fell down again. Another friend sent me messages asking if I am okay. Again, I said I am okay, with tears. He wouldn’t know that I was crying anyway, so I thought it was okay to tell that I am okay, he wasn’t here with me, he wouldn’t know.
He called me on the phone.
I didn’t want to pick up the phone call, but I did. I was so emotional and couldn’t hold back my tears longer. He always tells me that he is bad at comforting others (especially me, because I make it really hard to be approached and pleased when I’m sad!) but I let him listened to me crying on the phone. Why? Because he is a liar or at least I just need to be listened when I am crying without saying any single words (like what he did), it is more than enough. Yet, I still kept telling him “I am okay, I am not crying. It’s not me.” with tears on my face and sorrowful voice. It didn’t work of course, he could hear me, why did I lie? Failed attempt, Jenn. Nice try, try again next time. Lol. It was an unexpected an-hour-and-12-minutes phone call.
Mortuary is the place I want to avoid the most after cemetery.
On the way mortuary, all I thought about was how to handle myself there in the miserable situation. I was fine until I saw my grandma put to rest, laying in the coffin. It was really heartbreaking yet shocking realizing that I was in a room with all of my family members crying. I hate seeing others sad, I wish I could comfort and make them feel better, but I was also one of them who couldn’t even handle myself. I was bereaved and broken, needed to be fixed (coincidentally I’m listening to my favorite song, Coldplay – Fix You while writing this).
There are moments in my life with my grandma that I will always remember even she can’t remember. She has Alzheimer’s. It’s pitiful every time I talk to her and she questioned me… she couldn’t remember me. I don’t care if she couldn’t remember me, all I could see how she tried to remember me and wanted to talk to me, I’m glad to talk with her for hours although it’s not easy 🙂 Alzheimer’s is a devastating disease. I hate Alzheimer’s. It is much pain to endure when watching a loved one suffer with Alzheimer’s and deteriorate. There is the pain of perpetual grief. There is the struggle. Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief. It steals the memories you have with the loved ones and you can’t even remember what have been stolen.
But there is one thing Alzheimer’s cannot take away, and that is love. Love is not a memory, it’s a feeling that resides in your heart and soul. Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, but love leaves a memory no one can steal.
Things didn’t get any better. I was still broken and bereaved.
Still found myself crying in my room… alone.