First day of exam. I came to campus early in the morning hoping I would look just fine and could do the exam well. Yet I was overly sensitive to silly jokes, got offended by words that I didn’t want to hear, then ended up crying even though I tried so hard not to (so pathetic, Jenn). It was for the first time in my life that I cried over jokes, not because it hurt me, but my grandma.
Bad morning to start my day.
Later I found myself crying alone in front of the basketball hall because I’ve set apart myself from everyone who knows me. Yet someone appeared and sat next to me willing to stay all by my side. I wanted to be alone yet … I couldn’t ignore him. He is too worthy to be ignored. What else could be more mesmerising than having someone, who puts his efforts and time just to comfort you when you are down?
When I finished the exam, I got a message from a friend of mine. “You alright? Someone who cried in front of basketball hall definitely isn’t alright.” So it turned out that another friend saw me and as I was gonna reply the message, he was in front of me at the moment. Dang. Couldn’t hide it anymore. Yet I learned something, it’s okay not to be okay.
Death of the beloved one and exam period are two things that shouldn’t mean to be together. Yet, they happened anyway. Worst exam period that I could say. I couldn’t concentrate to study instead I thought about my grandma when I was doing the exam. I should have concentrated on the exam.
Another terribly painful thing happened when I was in the fruit store. Tonight, 19/04/2016, I lost a friend. You are gone far too soon you know. You fight through everything and now you’ve finished your race, my dear friend. Remembering your warm and bubbly personality makes it so hard to believe that you’re gone now. I believe you and my grandma are happy up there now, and there’s no other disease or sadness that can touch both of you.
I thought days after my grandma passed away, I would slowly get better. Yet, I lost a friend and it made me even harder to get back myself. Losing my grandma and a friend is a perfect combination to ruin my grades during this exam period
I found myself again at the fruit store trying to fix these things, and yet this is just the perfect place to let myself drawn into depression. I know I sound so pathetic yet …, yeah, this is a perfect place to be sad and desperate and also I was already comfortable to let myself feel so.
As soon as I finished today’s exam, I had an appointment to meet someone at the fruit store. “I just wanna be with you at the fruit store and make you smile”, he said.
So I was with him at the fruit store and he said something that I will never forget. “I’ve prepared myself if you will cry here, scream, throw things away or if you wanna hit me“. Dang. So affectionate. He tried so hard to make me smile even though he knew that I might cry, scream, throw things, or even hit him. Lol. (for the record I didn’t even).
We then randomly decided to go to museum. I love going to museums and he also does, more than me actually. We spent almost the whole day together and I slowly got myself back, although I still felt bereaved. At least I could smile and the smile was purely unforced.
I realized that he spent so much efforts, time, and energy for me and no words can describe how I really appreciate him. Making me a video, listening and talking to me on the phone for an hour, being with me when I was crying alone in front of the basketball hall, being with me at the fruit store, museum, Grand Indonesia Mall, saying words that I needed to hear the most, and all of the things that I can’t mention. Thank you for everything. You really have taught me how to let go of grief.
I dedicate these 2 posts of “Let Go of Grief pt. I” and “Let Go of Grief pt. II” to my beloved grandma, my friend, and everyone who cheered me up and tried to make me smile when I faced those hard times. Guys, you really mean so much to me. I can’t imagine how I could fight through those hard times without you. Bereaved feeling is still here no matter how many times I say time heals, yet, it has been covered well by result of the efforts you guys put on me to make me smile. Thank you for the efforts although it was uneasy 🙂
Dear grandma and friend, Rest In Peace. I will always miss you. Thank you for all the love and memories.
“When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you`re the one smiling and everyone around you.”